The Bachelor

Or the “Bitches Be Crazy” Show.

I’ll admit it. I get excited for Monday nights. I love The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. I like it for the same reason that the rest of the world likes it. No one thinks that anyone is falling love on these shows. That’s just absurd. What people like is the drama. They like it when the women are catty and when the men compete with each other. Heck, I like it when the women are catty and the men compete with each other. These shows bring out the absolute worst in people. There is such a desperation in the people who come on this show. So, for your reading pleasure, internets, I’d like to list some of my favorite aspects of The Bachelor (and obviously, its spin-off, The Bachelorette):

The women. The women, either the ones competing for America’s Most Eligible Bachelor or the one who has 25 men wooing her, are all just bat shit crazy. They all act like this television program, which has produced only two successful couples in all of the seasons aired so far, is their last and greatest chance at love. Really? You think that if you’re incapable of making a connection with a man in the privacy of your own life that your odds are better when competing against 24 other women or while the men are kickboxing each other to death on television for you? Puh-lease.

"Marry meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

The men. First, there is nothing anyone can say to convince me that men watch this show. There’s no way. The entire premise is basically the antithesis of what a man wants to watch. It features crazy ladies, looooooong drawn-out romantic escapades, and pansy men vying for the attention of one crazy lady (depending on the season). So the men that they find who are like “I totally watched your season” when they meet the Bachelorette are lying. Which I find hysterical. And then they act all macho around each other while pretending to be sensitive for the ladies. The Bachelor makes more sense than the Bachelorette. It’s one guy who has 25 ladies all competing for him. Awwwwww yeah.

Be a pilot or be chased by 25 desperate ladies... decisions are hard.

The helicopters. I love the helicopter dates! All of the dates are crazy and over the top but the helicopters are my favorite. The dates are all over the world and at some point, the lucky couple will take a helicopter ride to enjoy the scenery. And helicopters are loud. They’ve got the headsets on but their romantic conversations are dulled by the sound of the rotors and the landscape is ruined by the big honkin’ machine hovering overhead. The likelihood of your paramour taking you on a helicopter ride anywhere is so low. None of these dates, especially the helicopter ones, are any reflection of what life together might be like.

Here's helicopter date reality, America.

Chris Harrison. This man is the dasher of dreams. His entire purpose of the show is to tell people that they’re not good enough for the object of their affection, set up the most drama possible for entertainment value, and to encourage the Bachelors or Bachelorettes to keep going even though this premise is absolutely crazy. He appears kind and benevolent but his sole function on the show is to keep people watching it. Which means that a lot of the crazy stems from his machinations. Rock on, Chris Harrison.

I've never seen a smile that screams "douche-bag" so loudly.

These shows are just outlandish and hilarious. They spend so much time idolizing the concept of love and romance and do nothing to actually pursue it in a manner that is lasting and real. But America doesn’t want real and lasting love. Look at all of the celebrity break-ups that fill nearly every magazine published in the US. We don’t want them to succeed. Them staying together is boring. Them getting along is boring. Them just going to dinner and a movie is boring. Chris Harrison not breathing creepily over their shoulders is boring.

Bring on the crazy bitches, ABC! This girl loves it. Just a suggestion, though, from a fan in the LGBT community: bring in the gays. And not that Tila Tequila crap. We deserve the right to be as publicly embarrassing as the straights but that was just a train wreck.

We deserve a better dating reality show.