Wrestling is happening again tonight. This time, I’ve over at my buddy Erin’s place for the event. She is a huge, huge fan (you can check out her blog here) so this is promising to be a fun night. We (and by we, I mean she while watched uselessly) made a nommy dinner of shepherd’s pie, I brought over a veggie tray made by my lady, and we settled in for some good ol’ fashioned wrassling.
The whole thing started with a live Youtube stream of the pre-show, featuring the Miz (who I’m vaguely familiar with because he likes comics) and Santino, a guy who power walks and has a weird little cobra sock he wrestles with. Meaning, he wears it while wrestling, not he wrestles it. Though, he might wrestle with it. Who am I to judge?
Santino power-walked around the ring immediately after the Miz proceeded to insult Chicago. Probably not a wise move, the Miz. I hope your tires don’t get slashed. With, like, the Cubs. Or whatever Chicago uses to slash tires.
As I’m not from Chicago, I found Santino’s sock puppet more insulting than the Miz’s remarks. After hitting each a couple of times, Santino won. Good for you! Bring sock puppet awareness to the masses! On the Youtube!
Afterwards, on the preshow Youtube extravaganza, a lady wearing a sports coat and a bra (good look. How do we make this acceptable in the workplace?) and some guy named Teddy spun a wheel to determine how extreme the match between The Big Show (guy who likes kids) and Cody Rhodes (some other guy) is going to be. And the determination was that the match will involve tables. Hooray tables for some reason!
Fireworks! Great! Now I know that it’s started!
The first official fight was between Kane, who I believe was also Felonious in Shrek, and Randy Orton. Apparently there’s some kind of father-beating history between them. Fortunately, judging by how wet they were, at least they showered before the match. Now we can be guaranteed a good, clean fight. ZING! (sorry, I couldn’t resist)
And it wasn’t a good, clean fight. Kane pulled a lead pipe out from the storage place for lead pipes (go ahead and figure that reference out, internet) which is under the ring. Both Randy and Kane have a history of not only beating up each other’s dads, but also of beating each other senseless with lead pipes.
On a side note, do wrestlers wear their names on their little shorts so that they don’t accidentally wear someone else’s? I mean, it totally makes sense. I wouldn’t want to accidentally put on someone else’s tiny shorts.
So far, my only understanding of extreme rules means that they don’t have to stay in the ring. As such, the men go for a stroll into the crowd. That’s it, boys, give them fans a show! Oh, the little Twitter note explained it. Falls count anywhere. So they’re taking advantage of the breathing room, I guess.
Out of nowhere, another wrestler (Zack Ryder) jumps into the fight! Since the fight went into the Extreme Rules viewing room for some reason. Plot point! A twist! Wrestling! Eventually, Randy Orton won but not before tearing apart the announcer’s table, hitting each other with chairs, and each one laying on each other lazily.
Disco ball! YAY! Midget dancing! I don’t watch enough wrestling!
Moral of the wrestling story: wearing fancy coats is integral to the process.
The next match was between Dolph Ziggler and Brodus Clay. Clay is the guy with the disco ball. I like him. This match is a little different. These guys can’t be out of the ring for very long. Clay is enormous and basically just threw Ziggler around like it was his job (and it is). Clay beat the hell out of Ziggler but that makes a lot of sense, considering how much larger than Ziggler he is.
They finally explained why the table match is a big deal: the only way to beat the opponent is to put him through a table. This is crazy, because the Big Show is so much larger than Cody Rhodes, it makes the Clay/Ziggler match look fair.
Big Show kept bringing tables into the ring. But to no avail. Big Show got knocked down into a table during his big demonstrative act. Irony! But then Big Show dropped Rhodes into any open table he could find. That was actual cringe-worthy TV.
Ahhhhh, and then it comes back to the 18 second match. Sheamus and Daniel Bryan get the biggest, craziest long reminder about that match. And Bryan’s hot little girlfriend got dumped in flashback. Sheamus has been having a rough time lately, because he hits referees sometimes. And now he and/or Bryan have the chance to redeem himself.
This match promised to be long. The “extreme” rule for this fight is that the winner must win two of three pins. So Bryan will assuredly get more than 18 seconds. You think that was planned or anything? Noooooooooooo.
Sheamus won the first fall by disqualification. Bryan won the second by knocking Sheamus unconscious. And AJ, hot ex-girlfriend, was still nowhere to be seen. But then Sheamus woke up and kept wrestling. And then he won! Despite the oxygen loss that caused him to black out! And still no crazy ex-girlfriend! She lurked weirdly for no reason.
Rybak (bwah?) proceeded to abuse the hell out of some no-named schmucks who are probably really regretting today’s decision to get into the ring. Yikes.
And then it was on to the match of the century. CM Punk and Chris Jericho have this crazy rivalry, seeming to revolve around the fact that Punk doesn’t drink or drug. It seems to insult Jericho personally for some reason.
They are claiming to have a Chicago style street fight, which, from what I can tell, means using Kendo sticks and steel chairs while wearing jeans to mess each other up. Punk’s family was in the crowd so Jericho took the opportunity to try to humiliate the hometown hero in front of his kin. The result was a resounding slap in the face by Punk’s sister.
And thus the battle raged on. CM Punk took his shirt off, which signifies that he suddenly means business. And then Jericho poured beer all over a downed Punk. Jericho was celebrating humiliating his opponent when CM Punk rallied. Rally, Punk!
And he rallied with a fire extinguisher! A well-placed, convenient fire extinguisher! And the extreme rules for this match is there are no rules! Fire extinguishers are okay!
After the longest wrestling match I’ve ever sat through, Punk won by using pretty much all of Jericho’s tricks against him. Whoa, wrestling. It was definitely obvious how these were going to end but what a ride to get there! It was actually kind of heartwarming to see Punk celebrate with his family.
Oh. And then ladies fought. Mmmmmm ladies. I think I need a lie down. Please enjoy this picture of a cute kitten during my intermission:
Layla beat Nikki. And all was well in the world.
John Cena and Brock Lesnar was the last match of the night. Within seconds of the fight, Cena began to bleed like a crazy person! Gross! The whole match was pretty one-sided, with Lesnar just punishing Cena mercilessly. After knocking out one referee, another had to be brought in to finish the fight.
Against all odds, Cena turned that fight around! I wish I could even tell you how the hell that happened. It was frakin’ intense!
So, after a looooooong night of violence, I have to say that I’m grudgingly becoming a fan. While I don’t love the violence and pain, the pure entertainment of the back stories, the grudge matches, the change-up in ownership and that drama… just, wow.
Wow. After the Rock embarrassed Cena at Wrestlemania but he sure redeemed himself here. Cena’s speech at the end really sold me. Good for you, buddy. Do your thang.